You’re three coffees deep and fifteen spreadsheets in at work. A courier arrives and delivers a box on your chair. No card. No returns address. Just your name, and a nice label, S.S. & Co. What is that? You think, someone sent me something nice!
People glance. Karen from accounting pretends not to, Dave from IT widens his eyes in a way that says, "I wish I got a present in the mail". Do they know something that I don't? Weird...
You slice the tape very gently... Tissue. Bubble wrap. A smaller, oddly flammable-looking paper bag. You peel the bag open and—God help you—inside is an enormous pair of granny underwear. Cotton knit, elastic like a trampoline, cheerful stripes large enough to be seen from space. Stripes of hot, chunky poop. It reeks. Your nose is burning.
The whole office is starting to catch a whiff...They all start to look around for what could be causing such a stench.
A smell like a garbage dumpster on a hot day, curls up into your nostrils. Your knees go soft. You gag. You laugh-sob and you gag some more.
Your coworkers are now a human u-shape of witnesses. Phones are out. Someone’s already filming a TikTok...
You shove the offending stinky undies beneath your jacket like contraband. You think: hide it quick. Too late. The footage will be uploaded. The legend will begin.
You look down and realize you have smeared the hot poop on your shirt in your rapid attempt to hide the nasty undies.
Who sent you this? Your mind cycles through suspects — passive-aggressive Brenda, your ex-roommate , your ex. Or maybe your brother? Your best friend? Someone sick, that for sure!
You stand in the bathroom, sweating and mortified, and vow vengeance. Not felony vengeance. The kind that requires a sense of humor and a gift receipt.
Because the best revenge is stench & horror returned... with interest.
